hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
