Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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