i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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