I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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