my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
