I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
