Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
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