Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
