True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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