hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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