I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
