He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
