is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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