Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
