I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
