Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
