I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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