Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How naked do you want me to be?
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