and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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