You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
