Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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