Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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