dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
