My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
