grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
