Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
