i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
