Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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