and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
