my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
