I accidentally had phone sex last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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