your parents love me but you hate me
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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