just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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