Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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