broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
