don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's blow job season.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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