Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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