Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
