Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
