I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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