And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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