I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He better not be in your backpack
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
