I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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