I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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