im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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