I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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