tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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