How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
