I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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