Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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