And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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