Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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