Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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