She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
