News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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