The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
