Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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