i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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