I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
