I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
People in love make me want to vomit
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
