Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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