i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
