If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
