My liver just broke up with me...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
