Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
