I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
