I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
